Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Where I Stand

After countless rereads of my own blog (I'm a perfectionist and am constantly revamping/ revising/ rewording my entries) I realized that most of my posts don't sound very optimistic or hopeful, like I've given up on what I know to be true.

Let me assure you that I have not given up. Despite this struggle I face, despite my constant state of confusion and awe over it all, I am firm in my commitment to follow the Savior. Admittedly, my efforts over the past six months have been somewhat pathetic: evading scripture study, being "too tired" to pray, becoming a languid observer at church meetings rather than an active participant, etc. "...for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray" (2 Nephi 32:8). How often did I share this scripture with investigators? How often was I completely at a loss for words when active members of the church would confess they hadn't been reading/praying regularly? I couldn't fathom not living a day without a good hour of deep, meaningful scripture study and long, fervent prayer. I couldn't even imagine such idle foolishness!

That's one of the scariest things about being out and open with my homosexuality- it invites so much justification. "Well, I'm gay, so what's the harm in ordering a steaming chai latte?" or "I'm already going straight to hell for liking boys, why not enjoy the ride?" Clearly, these are both extremes, but this mindset is very prevalent among many people I've met recently. People who, like me, used to be fresh off the mission and so full of hope. People who, like me, desperately clung onto their once unshakable testimony as it quickly unraveled before their very eyes. People who, like me, began to forget everything they learned on their missions. It's no wonder the scriptures are constantly pleading with us to "remember!" because it's so easy to forget what we once knew so perfectly.

Recently, something quite significant has happened within me, mostly due to a beloved friend and his incredible strength: I have felt my entire heart/mind/body/spirit move. I have finally found it in me to turn back around, facing that tree of unspeakable beauty, bearing its glorious fruit. I may have not yet found my way back to the rod of iron, so to speak, but I feel as if I'm once again facing the right direction. Alas, I know the test of genuine endurance is only yet to come, but I, like the righteous holders of the rod, must press forward, doing everything in my power to "heed them not" (1 Nephi 8:33). There is an abundance of distractions within the Moho world, and as I've learned from personal experience, distractions are especially impairing.

I acknowledge the steep and forboding road before me, but thanks to those select few souls who know me (and actually read this wordy blog), I find true hope. I have hope that I can overcome my trials, pass this test, and find happiness. I have hope that God really has a beautiful life prepared for me (even if I have to get through this one first!). I have hope that the universe will unfold as it should. I even have a sliver of hope that one day I'll look back on all this and be overcome with gratitude- grateful to have experienced this unprecedented sorrow and cold only to one day be enveloped eternally in the arms of His love.