I often wonder how/why I let myself get this way: sitting in my car for at least an hour in perfect silence, making not even the slightest movement---not even to brush away the streams of tears on my face--staring deeply into the nothingness of the night. It's what happens when you witness another casualty from this hellish war, but this time, the fallen is someone close and immediate. It's what happens when you are reminded how far you are from being okay. It's what happens when the only thing that keeps me going is the thing I will have to soon let go of. That's what happens, I suppose. Being swallowed in the silence of the night, completely oblivious to my surroundings, entirely aware of the burn in my chest is becoming the routine end to each day's battle.
But tonight was just a taste of what's to come. I think I'm lost and confused now? I can only imagine how black the night will be when I finally have to cut the chord that feeds the life, love and purpose in my veins. Even the thought of it makes me numb.
I'm hurting this night.