Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Maybe I'll just be a songwriter..."

Admittedly, I've only managed to compose three or four complete songs, but I've written pages and pages of others! Some dreadful, others promising, a rare few are (in my humble opinion) quite special. As soon as I sit down with my guitar or at the keyboard to compose the tune however, I hit a wall. But the second I'm up and about, showering, mowing the lawn, doing laundry, etc., I can't keep up with myself! Unique and wonderful melodies began swirling around my head, but by the time I'm in a position to record the music, it has escaped me.

Only recently did I resurrect my voice recording tool on my computer and it has quickly become my new favorite toy. To sit in the bathroom (the acoustics are better there) with my mic hooked up to the computer and to just belt out whatever tune I'm working on is quite thrilling. If it sucks right off, I can start over, but I try to record everything. Then I'll play it back and cringe at the poor quality, but rejoice in the possibilities!

So far, I've only recorded two songs, but I don't feel confident to post them yet. Maybe I'll invest in legit recording software someday. In the meantime, I wanted to share one of my more recent song lyrics I penned in church one day. It's tentatively called "Break Me" and is still in its rough, unedited draft.

Naked, weary and cold,
I am a passenger
on this unforgiving road.
I fumble, I falter, I fail,
I've become a stranger
to myself.

With no where else to fall
I fall to my knees
With no one else to call on
I call out, pleading

Break me, Father,
Into nothing.
Please start over,
Make me something.
Pull me apart
At the seams,
It won't be hard,
My body's weak.
Break me harder,
I'm used to the pain.
Break me, Father,
and start over again.

Monday, November 16, 2009


Ready, set, typeeverythingthatcomestomind!!

  • *I've been quite happy lately-- only one fit of hysterical sobbing in recent weeks.
  • *I want to write more on my blog but struggle to find worthy material. I've been reading more blogs as of late, and as a result, feel a greater pressure to write something profound on each post.
  • *I like seeing my best friend every single day. If that means I'm needy or clingy, so be it.
  • *I want to go away-- far, far away.
  • *I've been forming back-up plans for when I fail at life.
  • *I've gained weight and feel healthier, thanks to my nightly mint chocolate chip protein shake.
  • *I'm pretty sure I would be the best husband in the world.
  • *I've had a hard time wanting to make new Moho friends because I'm afraid of getting too attached. I don't deal well with change, and let's face it: change is inevitable.
  • *I think I'm doing really well in school, but then remind myself of my effortless class schedule.
  • I'm constantly a victim of intense jealousy, but have seen improvement in my ability to overcome. It's usually all in my head, right?
  • *I hope people love me as much as I love them.
  • *I have a strong desire to watch 'Lost' with friends because, as their friend, I know how it will bless their lives. They just won't listen and I fear for their well-being.
  • *I had another long talk with my mom about "the issue." I hate lying to her, but it's the only way to keep her at ease.
  • *A few weeks ago, as I lay curled on my bed, bawling into my pillow so no one would hear me, I did something really bizarre: I took pictures of myself. I wanted to see how ugly I am when I cry.
  • *I've developed a lustful crush on Enrique Iglesias (see banned video for "Sad Eyes" and drool).
  • *I started reading the Book of Mormon again. But stopped.
  • *I saw Paranormal Activity and had to sleep with the light on for a whole week. I had horrific nightmares as a child and somehow that movie stirred that childlike fear within me.
  • *I like being gay, yes, but hate what it means to "be gay."
  • *I have so much love in me, and lately, I've felt like it has done more wrong than right.
  • *I think I'm going to treat myself to some new shoes.