Friday, March 27, 2009

Craving Something

Change is time consuming. It wiggles its way into nearly everything I do, begging to be acknowledged and reflected upon. Over the last month or so there have been a lot of changes, mostly internal, but they have brought about an onset of mood fluctuations and deep introspection. And my poor blog has been neglected as a result, because attempting to articulate my experiences as they tangle around me is futile. I need the quiet calm of the morning after to even see straight, let alone convey in words the chaos whirling within.

Last Monday this change was validated with the viewing of a beautiful play called "Little Happy Secrets," performed here in Provo. It's subject matter is simple; a faithful LDS woman deals with her same-gender attraction and endures the brutal blows of dejection, doubt and despair. Despite the stings that come as she accepts her "struggle," she finds herself growing closer to her Father in Heaven and that acceptance, although slow and delicate, sets in. It was all too familiar. The lead actress in the play was outstanding in her portrayal of the lead character, Claire, and her inner plight. I found myself almost mouthing along with her as she stood center stage, eyes mixed with desperation and conviction, voicing my innermost thoughts and feelings.

But more important than my experience there in the second row was the hundreds of audience members behind me. It wasn't until the open discussion with the cast and crew immediately following the show that I realized how diverse the viewers were, each coming in with their own backgrounds, biases and assumptions. The warmth of understanding that seemingly flooded the theater that night was such a beautiful thing. I stood up, dreading leaving such a cherished experience, and knew that every single person who experienced this production with me was blessed with new understanding. Tears tickled my eyelids for the next hour or so as I, for the first time in 7 months, felt 100% hopeful.

I left the theater with my dear soul-sister, Jen, and we sat in my car crying (for completely different reasons), so grateful we could witness something so marvelous. For me, it was the blessing of understanding shed forth to a few hundred people, changing them each in unique ways. It was only 200, but that's a start. I felt like I finally knew what I was craving all month long: a world united in understanding. My life of pretense and facade is growing stale. I felt understanding from some, and now yearn for it intensely from others. My parents, my roommates, my siblings, my classmates, my humanities professor, the cashier at 7-11, the girl with beautiful eyes in my dance class ... I thirst for more. I crave understanding from the world.